I already
knew what I was going to face after the fisticuffs between the duo. Mama
Gboyega was full of with anger for the rest of the day and of course,I was at
the receiving end of everything.
After everything had quieted and Mama Tayo
gone to her house,the gathered neighbours were able to pacify her even though
they didn’t know what the course of the free for all show was. And the moment
everyone left and we were left alone, she shifted her attention to me.
“Can you see
what you have done? How could you be pregnant for my son? When he attempted to
rape you,why didn’t you scream so the neighbours could come to your rescue? You
want to destroy my family, abi? Tell those who sent you that you are too small
to deliver such a message. And that you have failed because that useless thing
you have in your tummy is going to be flushed out. Yes,I will make sure it does
not see the light of this world, shameless whore. No bastard would be giving
birth to in my house. O maa se oyun yen ni(you are having an abortion)”.
“Kneel down
there now.” She commanded.
I had
started weeping again because even though I didn’t understand what she meant by
abortion, I was convinced beyond reasonable doubt that what she had in mind was
dangerous.
“Mummy e
jo,it wasn’t intentional. It was Gboyega that raped me and I tried all I could
to stop him but my best wasn’t enough.”
Your best
wasn’t enough? No wahala, I’m not going to argue with you,I know what to do
already.”
We were
still on this when her husband strolled in.
“Haba! Mama Gboyega, what has she done wrong
again? You,and this child sha.
“Oko mi,this
girl has destroyed me. She has destroyed this family.”
“What are
you talking about? How can she destroy this family and with what? Bimbola is a
good girl.”
“I said she
has destroyed this family, don’t you understand? She’s pregnant for Gboyega.”
“What! This
cannot be true? How can Gboyega be responsible for her pregnancy? Bimbo,n gbo
you are pregnant and Gboyega is responsible?”
“ Beeni
sir.” I answered fearfully. “How and when did this happen?” He asked. And I was
forced into the narration of everything that happened that day again.
“What,this
cannot be true!”
And where is
that son of the devil? Gboyega! Gboyega! He called out angrily but there was no
answer. Even in my state, I could see he was very angry.
“Mama
Gboyega, see the shame your son has brought upon this family. This is what
happens in any family where the husband is not respected by the wife. Can you
see what has become of your terrible life? You have failed as a mother. It
would have been better for you to be barren than raising a rapist and a
criminal as a son. You are a failure and disgrace to motherhood.
And for the
first time, I saw my aunty being humbled because she burst into tears and sat
on bare floor while her husband talked. And that was also the very first time I
saw her husband stand up to her. She has always been the champion.
“Yeh! Mo ku
o! Gboyega has killed me. What will people say? How will I face booda mi and
tell him that my son impregnated his daughter.”
“Today’s not
your day of mourning. In fact, you haven’t seen anything yet, useless woman.
You are here shedding crocodile tears after you’ve succeeded in destroying the
poor girl’s life with your selfishness. This is your mess, and you must clean
it up. You wouldn’t say that I did not warn you to stop maltreating this girl.
I am going out now because I can kill you if I stay a minute more with you in
this house. But I will not allow you send me to the prison with your
wickedness. Mind you, I must not come back and meet you and that worthless son
of yours in this house or else…” He said angrily before storming out of the
house.
Will he
carry out his threat? I will be more than glad to see it coming through. But if
he should, where will I go to seeing that I don’t know anyone in Lagos. Those
were the thoughts on my mind as I imagine what it will look like for her to be
chased out of the house.
She ended up
dozing off on the floor and I almost pitied her forgetting my own
troubles. I fell asleep too not too long
after and I’m not sure how long I had slept on the couch when I felt a kick on
my side. I must have been very tired and worn out that I didn’t remember to
pull off my slippers before going off. I didn’t take the first one seriously
until the second which came with so much weight that it had barely settled in
on my groin that I jump up from my sleep. And I quickly opened my eyes to see
who my assailant was. Lo and behold,it was my aunty. The realization got me
startled and afraid. Not that I had suddenly forgotten that she was capable of
doing so, but I think I must have taken her submission when her husband was
lashing out at her to mean she was going to have a change of attitude towards
me and probably begin to show me love.
“Does this
place look like a bedroom?”She said when I finally regain my balance. “You are
sleeping! It seems you still don’t know the gravity of what you have done. And
if you think I am going to leave you to give birth to that bastard,it will then
interest you to know that something else is coming your way. Get into the
kitchen this minute. Abi we’re not going to eat again in this house because you
are carrying a bastard in your womb.”
And what
choice do I have that could make me disobey her?
“Yes ma.” I
said with my knees slightly bent before racing into the kitchen.
I was
surprised when her husband came back and all he said was told her to find a
solution to the issue on ground and feed him back on the outcome.
What
happened to all the threats he doled out before? What kind of a man is this
that cannot stand up to his wife? And I was here thinking he will take an
action that will save me. It was then I know that I was completely at her
mercy.
Gboyega
didn’t return home till late in the night. His parents had retired into their
room when he sneaked in. the mere sight of him disgusted me and I could have
killed him on the spot if I had the chance and the necessary weapon to carry
out the murder.
Night fall somehow gave me a kind of relief.
That at least would afford me the opportunity to sleep. I really needed that
sleep mainly because of the stress that had accumulated in me from the events
of the day and to give me some time to forget my worries while I sleep. But to
my surprise, the night was nothing close to what I had envisaged. I couldn’t
close my eyes a bit. The sleep itself refused to come and I ended up brooding
over everything that had happened.
“What will I
do? Where will I go should my aunty decide to send me packing? What was she
even planning to do to me?” I asked myself when her words wouldn’t stop ringing
in my head: “If you think I am going to leave you to give birth to that
bastard,it will then interest you to know that something else is coming your
way kept ringing in my head.
The
following day was a Sunday but unlike before,we didn’t go to church. My aunty
had announced that she wasn’t feeling too well and so wouldn’t go to church.
Her stay at home automatically means we are not going either. The day went as
usual without anybody saying anything about my predicament. I didn’t even know
if Gboyega knew the extent of the damage he had done because I didn’t see him
being invited for briefing and that was how everything went for the whole week.
She didn’t talk to me about it neither did her husband.
I was
surprised when on Saturday of the following week,she called me into her room.
“Why has she
invited me?” I hardly entered her room. My question was answered immediately I
got in. she was sitting the bed and in her hand was a bottle that I couldn’t
see through to know what was inside.
“You sent
for me, ma.”
“Yes, Bimbola,
I know you might be thinking that I hate you, but in all honesty, I don’t.
All
I am doing is for you to be great in life. You see what happened between you
and Gboyega was only a mistake orchestrated by the devil. I know you still want
to go to school and I have made up my mind to let you go. But now that you are
pregnant, you should know that it will be difficult. We need to think of what
to do. I hope no other person except Mama Tayo knows about your pregnancy?”
“No one ma.”
“That’s very good .Take this.” She said and
handed me a small which bottle I had sighted when I came into the room.
“What’s
inside ma? I asked frightfully.”
“It is
called ‘aporo’ and it works like magic.”
“But ‘aporo’ is used as an antidote to poison
and for stomachache.” I countered, still wondering what she wanted me to use it
for.
“Yes, you’re
right. It is to help you flush out the baby.”
“Flush out the baby?” I asked.
“Yes or
don’t you want to go to school anymore?”
“Ma, does that mean the baby will die?”
“We are not killing the baby. It is not even
yet a baby. What you have there is just blood. So, put your mind at rest.” She
said obviously to allay my fares.
“I hope nothing will happen to me after taking
this.”
“Nothing, it works smoothly. You won’t even
know when the thing will come out. Just empty the whole content into your mouth
at once and swallow it. You can take your leave now.”
I left her
room feeling worse than I was when I went in. God, I’m so scared. Please let
nothing bad happened to me, I pray silently.
I took the
bottle to the kitchen and did as instructed. I noticed the content was far from
the usual ‘aporo’ I used to know back at home. The one I was given was watery,had
an offensive smell and an unbearable taste which I later discovered when it
landed on my tongue. I contemplated dropping the idea of swallowing it. But ,on
a second thought, I gulped the content thinking it could be the Lagos version
of it.
I didn’t have any strange feeling immediately so I
continued with my tasks which lasted till late in the night. I haven’t slept
for long when I felt a sharp pain coming from the lower part of my abdomen. I
initially didn’t take it serious until I started to feel like my tummy was
going to crash. I quickly rushed to the toilet thinking emptying my bowels
would make the nagging pain go away and I had barely sat on the toilet seat
when I felt a quick rush of blood coming out of my vagina and then followed a
large clot. Help! Help! I screamed as much as my strength could allow me and
that was all I remember before passing out on the toilet floor.
I bled and
clotted pretty heavily and had miserable cramps for almost two weeks. There was
abdominal pain, pain in my inner thighs and back. Three times cramping and
bleeding woke me out of a sound sleep during the night. I did not get the
impression that the after effects would be that bad from what she told me. She
had told me on the night of the abortion that I was going to be fine in a
matter of two days .Not so! I was absolutely miserable for almost two weeks -
clotting, bleeding, extreme breast pain and bloating. I lay on my tummy for two
other days because I just couldn't stand it. My breasts were not sore, but
actually painful to the touch. In the mornings I could even feel it into my
armpits and had to keep my bra on even when I slept because it helped a bit. I
became so frustrated when it seemed it wasn't going to stop that I burst into
tears every now and then. I spent hours lying on the floor,unable to move and
literally crying out in agony. My hip and back muscles went into spasm,so that
my body was twisted in an S-shape contortion whenever I stood- a condition that
didn’t disappear when my bleeding ceased.
The abortion
was associated with so many emotions. They came at unexpected times, but they
always left quickly. My entire world went black. It was as if in the space
between breaths, my entire existence lost all meaning. I began having severe anxiety attacks. I had
no idea at the time that this was due to the rapid drop in hormones experienced
as a result of the abortion. I wish for death to take me away. Was I even
alive? I had died inwardly from the day of the rape. I sometimes wondered if it
had been a boy or a girl and on several occasions found myself saying sorry to
my baby. I knew that life begins at
conception even in my 17-year-old mind. I
did it for other people not myself and now I’m the one who has to live with
this regret and hatred towards myself.
She kept on
telling me everything was going to be fine and that I would be relieved in no
distant time and will be able to go on about my life, but relief was the
farthest thing from what I felt.
“Bimbola, I
want you to know that what you did is all for the best. Would you have kept the
baby and not go to school? How do you think booda mi and your mother will feel
if they get to know that you are pregnant, rape or no rape? How about my
relationship with them? That of course will be affected. And you know very well
that Mama is now very old and will not be able to withstand a rift between her
only two surviving children. You are helping me too and the reputation of my
family. What will people say if they find out that my son raped and impregnated
you?” She would go on and on whenever she saw me in a dejected state.
I hated
myself for following aunty Kubura’s instruction. Maybe I should have run away
from home.But,to where? I felt dirty and worthless. I
even told God that it was His entire fault, and I was just so angry in the
moment. ”How could God claimed to love me and still watched me go through this?
Would He ever forgive me for killing my baby?”
It may be
difficult to understand but the violence of the rape made much less of an
impact on me than the abortion. It was
the absolute worst experience of my life. Throughout the time of my grief, I became
depressed, suicidal, furious, outraged, lonely, and have felt a sense of loss.
The abortion which was to “be in my best interest” just wasn’t. As far as I can
tell, it only saved their reputations, solved their problems, and allowed their
lives to go merrily on.
I remember a
particular day after the abortion .I was lying on my abdomen as I had been told
to when a sound began to ring in my ears. It was the cry of a baby; a thin,high
pitched wailing. I tried to cover my ears with a pillow but I couldn’t shut it
out. Gboyega’s sister was sitting close by.
“Where’s that baby crying?” I asked her. She
gave me a look that said ‘are you out of your sense’ before answering.
“There’s no
baby crying.” She snapped.
“It seems
what is doing you is about to turn to madness.” She said,hissed and sauntered
into the house.
She’s wrong,
I thought. There is a baby crying because the sound came back,again and again
and again ,grating my senses.
It was after
she left that I realized where the cry was coming from. It was the baby that hadn’t
been born, that I hadn’t- that was not allowed to be born. I’d never know,
would I? Never!
The sudden
wetness of tears trickling down my cheeks jolted me back to my senses and I wept
and wept till I drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.
But after
some time, I started telling myself that it was going to be okay and I would
get through it even though I didn’t sound convincing enough to myself. “You did
what you had to do. Did you really have any other choice? Most people would
understand what you just did.” I will ask myself endlessly mainly to justify
myself and ease my burden.
For many years, I did anything I could to
numb my pain. And honestly don't know how I survived, but by the grace of God.
I was attending church this whole time, but part of me just felt dead and I
still really questioned why God will create people like aunty Kubura and her
son.
To be continued.
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