Before you say yes to a new relationship after a breakup up

 

Many people make the mistake of thinking that the best way to heal from a broken heart is to get right back into a new relationship. Rarely is that the best way to heal. It is like trying to cover up a wound without cleaning it out first.

Lost relationships deserve to be grieved. Even if the choice was yours to end it, there is still the loss of the hopes and the dreams that must be faced.

Go slowly into a new relationship. Take time, significant time. While there is no “magic number” for how long to wait before beginning a new relationship, think in terms of months rather than weeks. Some experts suggest that you should wait a month for every year that you were in the relationship before jumping back into another one.

Thinking, journaling, talking out loud with a trusted friend or therapist will help you walk this walk in a way that will allow you to come out stronger, smarter and with more emotional intelligence.

Here are some suggestions for questions to journal, think and talk out loud about. Be sure to go through them several times. With distance, there can be new understanding.

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Look into the relationship that has just ended for learning about yourself in a relationship. 

Understand, as well as you can, what you did well and what might help you choose and/or be a better partner in a new relationship.

These questions are good ones to ask yourself as a relationship is ending, several weeks after it is over and again several months later. Distance often brings new perspective.

• Why do I think that my last relationship ended?
• What would my partner say was the reason that the relationship did not work?
• Is there any pattern between the ending of this relationship and the ending of other relationships?
• How intense are my feelings for my former partner, both positive and negative?
• Have I accepted completely the end of the relationship and the hope that it will pick up again some day?
• Have I fully grieved the loss of that relationship?

Questions about my choice in a partner

Some people seem to make the same mistakes over and over again in their choice of a partner. 

 Choices are often made that are familiar and feel comfortable. When the choices are healthy ones, then the possibility of a good relationship is high. When choices in partners are negative ones, it is only a matter of time before the relationship develops problems.

Ask yourself these questions about how you make choices in a partner.

• What have I learned about the choices that I make in partners?
• Do I seem to be picking the same kind of person or making the same mistakes over and over again when making a choice? (Do I often pick partners that are disrespectful? Distant? Have difficulty with affection? Abusive? Have addictive personalities?, etc.)
• Have I clearly identified what characteristics, qualities and values are important to me in a partner?
• Am I looking to find something in someone else that I don’t have in myself?
• Am I more concerned about whether or not the other person is right for me than if I am right for them?
• Do I know that I cannot change another person?

Questions about my part in the relationship

No relationship ends completely because of one person. Even if the choice was a bad one, part of the reason it got bad has to do with the things done by you and your partner. 

Carefully look at how you handled situations and ways that you treated your partner.

• What have I learned that I have done well in relationships?
• What have I done to relationships?
• Have I received any advice from a trusted source that might give me information about how to be a better partner in a relationship?

Questions about my readiness for a new relationship

Being part of a healthy relationship requires being a whole and healthy person. 

While it is very nice to have a companion and a witness to your life, it is important to feel comfortable with yourself and with your life when you are on your own and before entering a new relationship. 

Here are some questions to help you asses your readiness for a new relations.

• Do I feel strongly about myself and about my own identity?
• Do I get my sense of self from people that I date?
• Do I know the components of an emotionally intelligent relationship?
• Do I know how to be a healthy and emotionally intelligent partner?
• Do I have other things going on in my life that are fulfilling and rewarding or do I spend my life around my dating partner?
• Do I have other intimate (non-sexual) relationships?
• Is there anything that I am afraid of or avoiding?
• Do I have any behaviors that are out of control (drinking, shopping, work, etc.)?
• Do I know what I want to get out of dating … a committed relationship? Fun?
• Do I know how to be open and direct about my needs with my partner?

No one ever figures everything out about themselves and others in relationships; however, the better that you define what you want and need in a relationship, the more likely it is that you will find someone who can be whole, healthy and a good fit for you.

 The more you understand yourself and ways to observe, act and assess yourself and your partner, the more likely you are to be half of an emotionally intelligent relationship.

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The Unattractive Gifts of God

Most times, God’s gifts to us do not come in attractive packs. And it takes the help of the Holy spirit, plus our sensitivity to be able to discern such gifts. Many are times that we have missed God’s wonderful and ever sustaining gifts, because our eyes were being blinded, not by the devil but by our inability to recognize what comes from him.

This applies to our everyday living. The unattractive gift pack might come to you in the form of an instruction or leading which seem very uneasy and we are not just comfortable with it. We don’t even try it out to see if it works or not. 

All we are interested in is that beautiful, easier, and simpler way of doing things, forgetting that God’s ways are not ours. And it leads us to questioning God’s love for us. If he truly loves me like he claims, why and how would he send this ugly gift to me? Can’t he see how horrible this job, man, house, career, etc looks? He must hate me so much! God's love is better enjoyed when we let him take part in running the affairs of our lives.

 It may come in our love life. I was telling a friend not quite long about some foolish decisions I have taken because I wasn’t sensitive enough to what 

God has in stock for me. Was I even ready to let him talk? Didn’t I already had everything mapped out before I sought his counsel? And what were the end results? Failure! Yes, failure upon failure. 

 And that was when I would run back to God whose instructions I neglected.

Only if God would show us certain things right from the beginning of our lives, would we not miss out in life. But hey, God is not man. And he even said in his word, that the secret of the lord is with his people. That means, we can know the outcome of certain things before they start, only if we allow him talk to us about them.

I have listened to many married people said if they had known their spouses would come in the easiest way they did, they wouldn’t have wasted all the efforts, time, emotions and all sorts of good things on useless and ungodly relationships. Many have even made costly mistakes that their spouses are now partaking in the consequences. 

Only if we would give God the chance, to show us the way at all times. Only if we would be humble and patient enough to let him hold our hands and lead us till the very end because he cares for us. He loves us more than we could ever imagine.

Personally, I have dated and loved guys who I knew right from the beginning were not good but I went ahead and dated and loved them. Wonderful gifts for me. But what did I do? I overlooked that parts, and went ahead. Simply because they came in the most attractive packs you could ever think of. Only for me to end up heaping praises on God for not allowing the relationships work out.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying God's gifts do not come in attractive packs. Of course, they do. But what I am saying in essence is that it takes a good listening and seeing skills to know exactly what is ours. 

That someone is a good man or woman doesn’t mean he or she is good for you. And that he or she isn’t good for you doesn’t make him or her, a bad or terrible person. He will be good for someone else. 

Some of the things might come late to us because God is taking us to a level which the things we want now would hinder. 

You may desire marriage, and because God knows that if you get married now, it will affect his future plans for you. Take for instance, may be God is working a big opportunity out for you in let’s say Abuja, and you presently leave in Ibadan where you are looking for a wife or husband. And because God knows that you getting married to your present would-be spouse will deny you that opportunity, he would rather you lose that relationship so you can take what rightfully belongs to you in Abuja. 

And he would have gone ahead to prepare your spouse alongside the opportunity. He may want you to be single for a period of time so that his good plans for you will come to pass.

  

And you know what? God will never force his gifts on you. He only presents you the proposal, which you are at liberty to either sign in agreement or otherwise. And you know what, God’s love remains constant. It doesn’t change. He will most times leave us to enjoy the goodness of our choices as well as the damaging consequences. He knows we would come running to him when it boomerangs. This has applied to me severally, and it is then I would realize I should have sought God’s face before embarking on such journeys.

This wonderful, but unattractive gift might come in friendship. The friend who will make wonderful and long lasting impacts on you may not fit into your class of people. It then takes your not looking down on people to recognize what such a person carries.

 It might come in form of a job you don’t like to do.May be because the pay is small, or it is not just what you want to do. But God just wants you there so as to use it to groom you for the bigger and better offer. You need the experience and expertise gathered from the unattractive to get the attractive, and to sustain it.

Dear readers, take a look at all your failures and the things you’ve had to suffer, and check if you communicated with God before you ventured into it. Why don’t you allow him take charge? Don’t take your decisions before seeking his counsel. You wouldn’t like same if someone does that to you. Things work well and better, when we let him take charge.

Dear friend, God may send you some valuable gifts wrapped in unattractive paper.  But do not worry about the wrappings, for you can be sure that inside He has hidden treasures of love, kindness, and wisdom.  If we will simply take what He sends and trust Him for the blessings inside, we will learn the meaning of the secrets of His providence, even in times of darkenss. -A.B. Simpson

 He knows we would come to that stage of decision making right from the beginning of age. Is he not the creator? I am a testimony of what you are sure going to enjoy, only if you would have a heart to heart talk on whatsoever decision there is to be made with him. He loves it when he is involved in the running of our activities.

 Lay your cards bare before him. You cannot trick or deceive him into supporting your decisions. 

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